I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize