Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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