Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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