You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
