I wanna passion pit in your ass
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize