i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
