So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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