"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
