I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
