Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
