So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
