DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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