Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
