if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
