I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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