She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
