She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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