Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
