Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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