Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
