So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
