I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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