I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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