Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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