My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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