He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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