Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
