i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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