I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Nicole vs. Life
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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