I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize