I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
