remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
