I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
