i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
