Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize