peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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