Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
