I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I stole a fireplace last night.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
