I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize