Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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