Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
