i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
