I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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