I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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