Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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