i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
