grandma shit on top of the toilet
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
