if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize