dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
