no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
