I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
