i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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