Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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