ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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