They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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