Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
