i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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