It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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