God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
This baby is an asshole
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
