Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize