Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
