The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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